


mile by mile we fracture

by LittleBlackGoldfish



Series: distance as a measure of our growth [2]
Category: Impulse (TV 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/F, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:20:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22039963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleBlackGoldfish/pseuds/LittleBlackGoldfish
Summary: Jenna leaves for college, Henry drives her. Simple as that.Things come up and are discussed (or not) as needed. Easy. Everything is fine, really.
Relationships: Henrietta "Henry" Coles & Jenna Hope, past Henrietta "Henry" Coles/Josh
Series: distance as a measure of our growth [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1586440
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

It was weird how weird it was. Knocking on a door she used to live behind. 

Henry had lived longer outside of it than she ever did inside; nine or so months versus more than a year and a half. And yet walking up those creaky steps, standing on the paint flaking porch, and rapping her knuckles on a door she barely ever used when she lived there sets her on edge in some strange way. 

It felt wrong.

Part of her still itched to reach out, turn the knob and walk right in. Follow the narrow staircase up onto the second floor and then up again. Or take a left at the second floor landing and wheel into the little room by the stairs, filled with sixteen years of Jenna. 

She can't, it's not her home anymore. Henry stopped living here more than a year ago, stopped being able to casually visit in the same moment she tore through the life she and her mom had carved out within its walls with two simple words. Two words and a hundred little things. All of it a casualty-

With a shove, Henry buried the black twist in her gut underneath a tight smile. Pressed it into a deep dark corner of herself.

Thomas opened the door looking exhausted and worn. His eyes drifted briefly past her, over her shoulder to where her mom sat in the passenger seat of the car, too nervous to test… whatever it is they were to each other these days with immediate contact. For a moment he lost that frantic exhausted look, replacing it with a warm pleased smile that wrinkled the edges of his mouth and eyes. 

"Henry," he finally managed, dragging his eyes away from Cleo. 

Most of him still doesn't know how to react to her, caught between relief and lingering protective anger and guilt over his own failures. Almost a father to her, but never really a parent. Thomas defaulted to polite neutrality in all situations he didn't immediately know how to handle, but even that felt too impersonal.

Scraping her boots at the old wood, a little extra paint flaking away, Henry struggled to get her own words past the sudden tightness of her throat. Pity or honest feeling, it could be either, finally drove him on.

"Jenna's upstairs," He gestured behind him then, in a lower voice, like there was anyone else to hear, "Please, stop her repacking for a fourth time for me, will you?"

"Will do," Henry said.

Slipping past the boxes piled by the door she bounds up the stairs two at a time. Behind her she heard the car door slamming shut. Jenna's door stood open and just from the frustrated tap of her feet, Henry knew without looking that it was going to be something of a disaster. 

A Jenna scale disaster at least. So, like, at least twice as organized as Henry ever is.

Sure enough one of the two previous packed boxes still taking up space in the room sat flung open on the bed, its' contents scattered across the covers as Jenna herself rummaged through the contents of her shelves. Orderly scattered though. Not thrown about, but carefully unpacked into neat divisions for rearranging or redistribution, an array of seasonal wear, socks, and personal keepsakes. 

Carefully laid inside, resting on top of a light pink sweater, Henry spied a picture. Jenna, five or six or seven or something, in bed with droopy eyes and her Mom laying beside her with a book in hand. Something seizes in her chest and Henry pushed that down too.

Leaning against the door jam, she watched for a moment. From what little Henry knew everything Jenna could possibly ever need for college was either already packed or looed to have been recently unpacked, so she wasn't clear on what Jenna was looking for. Then again, scholastic preparedness had never been Henry's wheelhouse.

"Need help?"

Jenna jumped, like for real, literally, jumped. Henry was already laughing by the time she turned around to glare. It didn't match the intensity with which she was avoiding even looking at Henry up until several months ago. Which is why the hollow pit in Henry's stomach only yawned open a little bit. 

Henry swallowed past it and sent a questioning looking back. 

Jenna sighed and softened, a bit, "You're as bad as dad. I was just looking for my highlighters."

She caught the glance that Henry sends to the mostly clothes that came out of the box and adds, "I already went through the other one. And my bags, they're not in there, which means I left them out. And I'm sure they have highlighters in Hamilton, but it doesn't make sense to buy new ones when I have a perfectly good set just lying around, if I just knew where-"

"Alright, alright," Henry said as she grabbed Jenna by the shoulders. "That's enough overachiever anxiety for today." Henry rubbed at Jenna's arms, trying for comforting. 

"Your dad can bring them down tomorrow. Or I can get you new shit. Reston is like, super close or whatever."

Jenna reached up and caught her hand, gave her a look that Henry could only really call 'pure Jenna,' "Henry. Everything is close for you."

Which, yeah. True. 

Henry laughed and then Jenna was laughing too, soft and relieved in a way that Henry hadn't gotten to really hear in a while then Jenna stepped in closer and settled between Henry's arms for a hug. Revelling in the warmth that spreads through her body at the contact, Henry let them just stand like that for several moments, squeezing back. 

A whispered thank you tickles at the side of her neck. Her throat tightened again, constricting around the weight of all the things she wanted to say, but couldn't, won't. Goodbyes and thank yous and all the rest of the polite, meaningful, things people say to one another are just more of that stuff that Henry never really got the hang of. She tries, but sometimes it doesn't feel like trying is enough.

Taking a quick step back Henry plastered on a bright smile and searched about for the as of yet still packed box. Bending down to scoop it up, she swallowed again past her dry mouth and straightened. She had to readjust, settle the weight against her hip and heave it up a little higher with one hand so she could brush the hair from her eyes.

"So, you," Henry gestured airily at the unpacked stuff. "Repack that and I'll start loading up the rest of your shit."

Jenna rolled her eyes. Whatever. Henry left with a real smile on her lips.

*

*

By the time they got everything into Henry's car it was like twenty minutes till eleven, or about fifteen minutes past their schedule. Jenna was wrapped up in her father's arms, listening to the long rambling goodbye he was whispering into the top of her head and she could practically feel Henry's eyes rolling behind her. Not that she could entirely hold the reaction against her, given that they'd all be seeing each other again tomorrow when he and Cleo drove down themselves.

Jenna thought they'd done an admirable job of not completely falling apart given that they were about to be separated for a whole lot more than a weekend, which was all that was ever involved in sleepovers at Patty's or any of her science club events. Still, when she turned around part of her was surprised not to find Henry smiling a tad more mockingly. Leaning insouciantly against the side of the car, yes that she expected, but the smile was more fond than derisive and honestly Jenna didn't quite know what to make of that.

When they finally got on the road Henry still hadn't said anything, just smiled and hummed as they pulled away. Letting Jenna keep her eyes fixed backwards as she waved, craning her neck for a last look of home. And it wasn't until they actually pulled out of view, her home finally fading into an indistinct collection of shapes that she actually settled into her seat. 

Henry still didn't say anything. The music coming out of the speakers was all Henry, heavy and energetic and in your face. Nothing Jenna would ever pick, in other words perfect considering Jenna wasn't allowed to have a hand in planning any of the trip.

Everything for the last two months had been about getting ready for Colgate, for 'finding her people,' and all the other stuff that Megan talked about two years ago. Well, less by now, but it felt like more between working her way back to acceptable academic standing and… everything going on in Henry's life. Reston may have finally settled back into being as far from the center of anything, but that didn't mean Jenna had been able to relax even a bit.

Maybe her dad wasn't freaking out so much about the gay thing now that he'd had time to process, and maybe Patty had been a literal lifesaver through it all but Reston was still not the place for her. Her home and childhood, yes, but not where she belonged. From the one visit last year Colgate probably wasn't it, though it was closer. Kate and her had been chatting, and well that weird spoken word poetry thing they saw was apparently way more normal than Jenna was prepared for. 

She liked the arts just fine, but that was just- just, she's not sure, except that it wasn't for her. Too unstructured, disorganized.

Jenna liked clearly delineated rules, specified boundaries. Things that fit neatly into boxes and stayed there so she could understand them piece by piece. Not in the same way as Townes, obviously. But, well, there was a reason Henry rubbed her so wrong at first that had nothing to do with her generally abrasive attitude and penchant for caustic, cutting remarks. Henry refused to be confined, refused to settle down into the place Jenna had prepared for her in her mind.

Eventually she reached a new equilibrium, prepared a new sort of space, a new mental category that Henry could have all to her own that allowed for all her jagged edges. Jenna made herself adaptable. She was proud of herself for that, for being able to get back to normal. Eventually.

And with all the lying they've done, all the clawing tension and mortal fear. All the mind bending… shit, she'd seen Jenna's definitely ready for normal. Normal crushes, normal days, a normal college experience.

Or as near to it as she can find. Which, obviously she hasn't said any of this to Henry. They're still in the stilted, only sort of talking stage of repairing their, whatever they have. Obviously they're not sisters what with the breakup and only recent, still fragile, repair of their parents' relationship.

And Jenna couldn't honestly say that Henry was her best friend or anything, because that would be Patty, but they were definitely more than just friends. But not, like  _ more  _ than friends. Not that she's ever thought about that, no. 

Some space might be exactly what they needed, what Jenna needed.

Glancing to her left, Jenna took in the relaxed and easy way Henry chewed on the twizzler half falling out of her mouth as she sang lazily along to the song currently blasting out of the speakers. For now Jenna just wanted to relax and enjoy the moment, join in with the singing even though she didn't know the words.

Not that the other girl seemed to really know them either, so enthusiasm seemed to make up for more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally I started this before the second season came out, but, like, barely. Most of it was written in the aftermath. Comments are welcome and encouraged.
> 
> Edit 1/2/20: Noticed some continuing tense issues as I was editing the next part. Edited to fix them.


	2. Chapter 2

It's a little under an hour in before they start approaching their first stop and that's also when Henry's palms start to sweat; she tries to wipe them dry on her jeans as inconspicuously as possible. There aren't actually that many sights to see between Reston and Hamilton.

It's all like creameries, farmsteads, and 'historical' sites. 

Which, yeah, Henry thinks Jenna might actually like, but she's about to get an entire four years of indulging in all that nerdy shit so Henry opted for something else. And, ok. Jenna's never exactly been outdoorsy and, but it's not like they're about to spent a night camping out underneath the stars. But some pretty nature to look at has to be a smart bet.

So there's a forest and a lake where, like, rich people have summer houses or something maybe, but it should be nice to look at which is just about all Henry really has to go off of given the tight timetable. Leave it up to her and she'd have had them driving out days ago to get lost in Albany, or even Utica or some shit. Hell, they could've gone north, over the border into Montreal. 

Maybe gotten Jenna laid or something, french is supposed to be, like, sexy and shit, right. Henry's never gotten the appeal. But the other girl wanted to spend every last minute saying goodbye to Reston or something. 

Whatever. 

They have to be on campus early tomorrow morning, which means pretty much a straight shot to make it down to Hamilton, and Colgate, by the evening. So, state parks it is.

It's still summer, just barely halfway through August 'cause Colgate starts way early. Though maybe for college it isn't, all Henry knows is highschool. What that means is that there are still families there so there are actually other cars on the road as she takes them off the interstate and down a winding two-lane road. They don't actually get out of the car until past noon. Barely.

Even with it still being summer, and the weekend, it's not so busy. 

She parks just off the road alongside a river that leads to the lake, which they also follow, picking their way slowly over uneven ground through the trees. Jenna is quiet.

Has been the whole ride down so far. 

And even though it's not like Henry minds exactly, quiet and alone is where Henry has lived more of her life, it's still giving her this strange sense of, like, impending doom or something. Which is bullshit. Henry squashes the feeling as far down as she can. 

Tries to live in the moment.

'Cause it'll be months before they see each other again. And sure, Henry can be wherever in a moment if she wants, but it doesn't seem smart to do it to often. Not with the way Nikolai just like, disappeared on her, she doesn't know nearly enough about this shit to take the risk; all he ever told her was that he was going to take care of it. Which, fuck him, like that's not vague as shit. 

So, yeah, Henry has been keeping her trips to an absolute minimum. Which she thinks Jenna might appreciate knowing, but they don't talk about that sort of thing anymore at least not beyond oblique comments. Like the one from this morning. 

"Hey," she says, for lack of anything better to break the silence with. 

Jenna is currently staring wistfully off into the trees while Henry balances from one slick rock to another as they follow the river. "You ever, like, come here before? With your mom and dad?"

"No," Jenna said. "Even before mom- we never really went anywhere."

"Though one time, when I was... seven, I think, a friend of my dad's invited us to their place in Ithaca. We spent weeks hiking around all these parks."

She cut off as her face colored abruptly, though she kept smiling.

"Jenna Faith Hope," Henry teased, her mind already fast at work trying to imagine the possibilities. "What did you do?"

She just laughed, fluttery and light, while her cheeks continued to bloom rosily, "Nothing except make an idiot of myself. I'm pretty sure I followed their daughter around like a lost puppy."

"Huh. Always figured your first crush was, like, Megan, or Patty Yang maybe."

Jenna laughed again, shook her head as the color finally began to recede from her cheeks a bit, "I kept calling her 'Margeet' because I couldn't quite pronounce Margarite. She had black hair and pierced ears. She was eleven."

There wasn't really much of anything for Henry to say to that. She doesn't remember much of anything that far back, in fact until she remembered the day he disappeared all she had was a few pictures she'd squirreled away, faded and blurry, and fuzzy memory. Crushes don't rate even that much. 

They walked in silence for a bit, eventually meandering out of the tree line along the shore to follow the lapping edge of the lake. A couple of boats floated in the distance, only the shifting colors giving any indication of their passengers.

"Do you," Jenna asked suddenly. "Do you think my mom knew? That I was gay."

Christ, but that was a question. How the hell is Henry supposed to know.

"I dunno, Jenna. Maybe, probably. Kids aren't… they don't always, you know, act the same as they grow up."

"I think I did. Do."

"Then yeah Jenna, she probably knew," is all Henry could think to say. 

Trying to get into the headspace of an absent parent has never done Henry any good, but maybe it's different when the parent in question is dead rather than run off. Fucking hell, getting into her mom's headspace hasn't ever really worked out for her either.

Water laps gently at the muddy shore as the walk along the wandering bank for several minutes in silence. Henry has the urge to shuck her clothes and jump in. Waters' probably freezing, despite the summer heat, and the thought of having to drive around in soggy underwear is too much. Maybe if they had all day to dry themselves underneath the summer sun.

"Maybe next summer, once you've picked a school, we can come down here for a couple weeks or something," Jenna said.

Before adding, carefully, "Swim, get high, do all that fun stuff."

A pit opened in Henry's gut. Half a cold gaping hole that hungrily ate at her and half a raw angry wound that pulsed in time with the beat of her heart. They haven't really talked about Henry's plans, mostly because they hadn't really talked and she wasn't in the mood to start trying either. School had never really been Henry's strong suite. Making it out of rest, some place warm, would be a win.

That art school was a nice thought, but Henry doesn't really need more shit on her plate to be honest. It's just not a good idea. More attention on her is just dangerous, what with not really knowing how gone exactly Nikolai's people are. If he hadn't fucking disappeared on her, or if her dad had just shown the fuck up, she might feel better about it, but. Yeah, not getting cut open to have her insides messed with sounds real fucking sweet.

"Yeah," is all she ends up saying. 

It's not a plan yet. Jenna only said maybe so Henry can just… figure her shit out and tell her before she makes a thing of it. They end up leaving like five minutes later. Timetable and all.

The silence feels deeper after somehow, more threatening. So an hour goes by that they mostly fill with singing and swapping childhood stories; Henry doesn't have too many happy ones so they mostly end up being Jenna's. Which tend to revolve around Patty Yang. Yang? Apparently boy crazy since about age eleven. Though not with much success until she lost the braces two years later. 

And also way into romance novels of the ripped shirts and heaving bosoms variety.

It's certainly more than Henry ever expected to learn about her. Then again when she first met Patty Yang Henry didn't expect to still be in Reston past that new year. Not that it really changed her opinion, besides her unfortunate association with Clay, Henry never gave Patty much thought to be honest. Just another small town girl to give her pitying-disgusted looks and forget about.

Josh was just about the only person she ever gave much of a shit about in any of the places they'd lived, and that was more accident than anything else. 

She almost said yes to him. That night in the motel.

But she couldn't, not without turning completely into her mother. Which turned out for the best, she can't imagine what might have happened if Bill Boone had turned up demanding answers her mom couldn't even begin to understand the questions for. Despite everything else, making sure her mom stayed safe was worth that.

For whatever reason, words just start spilling out of her, "You remember that science award thing you and Townes won last year- I mean I guess, the year before last? Whenever..."

"You mean the State Science Decathlon?" Jenna frowned, thrown by the seemingly sudden shift in conversation.

"Yeah, that. Well, um, later that night," it's harder to say than it should be. "Josh, you remember, he, uh-"

"Not-your-boyfriend Josh?" Jenna asked, eyebrows raised.

"Him, yeah, he uh, we asked me to go with him to Montana," and then it all started coming out of her in a rush. "He had this, like, welding gig lined up working on, like, pipelines I guess next to a river surrounded by some mountains. Yellowstone I think. Snowboarding in the winter, fishing in the summer, he said. And he wanted me to come and, I dunno, I guess we would be, not married or whatever, but like as close to it as you can come."

Saying it all, somehow it made her breathe easier. It was more than a year ago and a few months ago Jenna probably would have heaved a sigh of relief if Henry had gone. Still, somehow, it feels like a little bit of weight off her chest.

Or it did until she noticed that Jenna hadn't said anything, hadn't in fact responded in anyway at all, and looked over to find the other girl just staying at her. Expression freakily stiff and unmoving.

"I said no, obviously," Henry added, though it hardly seemed necessary.

Still more silence. And this is why Henry doesn't like talking about shit like this, all these feelings and crap. Too messy. Frankly, she also just sucks at it. Usually she avoids doing it as much as possible, and now with her heart beating so hard against her chest Henry could actually feel her ribs rattle.

And against pretty much every instinct she has Henry actually starts to open her mouth, to say what she doesn't know. Something. Probably nothing helpful.

Jenna saves her the effort, "What is this about?"

"I," she swallowed past the lump in her throat. 

"I dunno, nothing. We were just, you know…" Henry waved her hand helplessly. "Whatever, forget it." 

"No Henry, you brought it up. I want to know why," Jenna said.

The thing was, Henry didn't have a reason. One moment she'd been listening to Jenna go on about some shit, Patty's mom could not hold her liquor apparently, and the next. Well, her mouth had ran ahead of her. There wasn't a choice, or a moment Henry decided it was going to be something she shared.

"We were sharing. I thought, fuck I don't know Jenna, I just, like, said it."

"Do you," Jenna's breath caught. "Do- have you talked to him? To Josh."

No. 

She shook her head, they hadn't so much as texted each other since that night. With everything in Henry's life so far fucked beyond recognition it hadn't seem fair, to draw him into her shit. Henry refused to think about abortive plans. Plus, how would she have even talked with him without, like,  _ talking _ with him about things.

"Have you tried? Do you want to?" Jenna asked.

Henry shook her head again, "No."

Lie. But the thing with lies is, for Henry, that they're easier.

"He was getting away from his shit with his dad, and all this shit was happening with me that I- I, couldn't make him keep my secrets, or whatever."

True. And a lie at the same time. she had no problem making Jenna keep them. Making Townes. Lucas. So why not Josh?

"After I- when we weren't talking, I thought about following him," Henry's throat closes up once the words are out, a cold fist of pressure stuck just past her tongue.

"Ok," Jenna murmured.

"Reston felt, staying around felt dangerous. 'Cause, like, Nikolai had just disappeared and even though Lucas was taking the fall for his dad it still felt like, I don't know, something was closing in on me. And I thought maybe, that if I got far enough away I could just, like, forget or something. That everything would just… stop." 

"Montana seemed pretty far," Henry said.

Her voice kept climbing up out of her, an ant colony of half-choked words blindly seeking release, and she forced them past the pressure because there was nowhere else for them to go.

"Ok."

"But, I mean, I knew it wouldn't work until I was closer to eighteen. Even with my history," she said. "Hell maybe especially because of it, between the shit with Bill Boone and my mom and my 'seizures,' the cops would drag me back if I got spotted."

She'd gone as far as plotting a route on google. What she hadn't done, well that could fill a book; Henry hadn't bothered to get her car fixed, hadn't so much as glanced at buses in case that didn't work out, didn't think about what she would say to him, or even bothered to nail down a specific place to get to. It wasn't so much a plan as a desperate escape Henry told herself.

And then, well, then it hadn't mattered so much because Jenna was talking to her again. Whatever not-plans Henry might have had had evaporated.

"Of course now-"

"Why the fuck- Henry, is this something you think I really want to hear about?"

She froze, knuckles going white on the steering wheel and Henry can barely breath. It was only a matter of time before she fucked it all up again, she knew it from the second Jenna let out that first, tentative, laugh and Henry has only been waiting for it to happen. For something she said to press too hard or ask too much.

It's nothing short of a miracle she managed to go as long as she did without screwing up and in that moment all she hoped for was that it was only one of the little fuck ups. Something fixed by an apology rather than months and months of radio silence. 

"Sorry," Henry said, eyes fixed forward on the road. "I was just, um… just."

"Just, what, Henry?" Her voice took on a hard edges viciousness. "Just thinking that now would be the perfect time to unveil your master plan? Was this whole trip just an excuse to ditch your mom so you could run, did you even plan to stay through tomorrow?"

"What?" What? "Jenna, what the fu-"

"I can't believe I ever use to think you were brave, god. You're such a fucking coward Henry."

"Fuck you, Jenna. I do- I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about."

She snorted, "Of course you don't. Henry Coles, everyone!"

Jesus. Henry was completely lost, how the fuck did Jenna listen to everything she'd just been talking about and take that to mean she was fucking running off or something. That was, quite literally, the opposite of everything Henry had been saying.

"Afraid of her own shadow," Jenna mocked. "Too scared to say goodbye, too scared to tell her mom the truth, too scared to admit her dad might not want her."

"Shut the fuck up!" Henry slammed on the breaks.

Plastic squeaked underneath her hands and her heart fluttered airily up into her throat. Rounding on the other girl, her seatbelt drawing tight across her stomach and chest, Henry glared furiously for a single tense moment and Jenna stared back defiantly.

"I don't know who pissed on your breakfast this morning," she snarled, Henry's whole body literally vibrating. "But let's get one thing straight."

"You. Don't."

The engine, still running, shook the car. Windows rattled.

"Talk. About shit. You."

A loud groan echoed. Something must have hit the car from the way it shook. 

"Henry-"

Whatever. One thing at a time.

"Don't. Know. Shit. About."

"Henry!" Jenna shouted, eyes wide.

An old can, maybe an energy drink, crumpled in the cupholder with an explosive pop and the whole frame of the car let out another shrieking groan. Shit. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Henry whipped around and scrambled for the door latch, shoving it open she fell forward halfway onto the street. She ripped the seat belt loose and completed her downward trajectory, rushing forward to try and get free of the car before the feeling began to overwhelm her. It had been months since she'd even done any travelling in her sleep, an incident brought on by a batch of herb laced with something a little too strong. That was one asshole she was never buying from again.

Henry focused on her breathing. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. And slowly squeezed and released her fist, did everything in her power to just…  _ stay _ . 

Behind her, distantly, as if through a wall or from underwater, she heard constant bleating of the car warning her she'd left the door open and beyond that the sound of the passenger door opening and closing. In. Close. Out. Open. In. Close. Out. Open. In. Close. Out. Open. The world finally stopped feeling like it was going to spin on its axis, settled into something solid and dependable, something she couldn't slip through and out of.

Loose gravel crunched behind her. Henry could practically her Jenna opening her mouth.

"Get back in the car," she said.

"Hen-"

"Back in the  _ fucking _ car Jenna. I just," She breathed. "Give me a minute."

She waited a moment. Then two. Finally, more crunching and the sound of the door opening again followed seconds later by it shutting with a solid thud. Henry opened her eyes and blinked blearily at the way the sunlight seemed brighter, then spent the next several minutes while she focused for the next several moments on simply breathing and being. Her heart settled and her skin stopped feeling like it would vibrate away after a bit. Fuck.


	3. Chapter 3

They drove on for over an hour in silence. It was a strange reversal of their roles, with Henry doing the ignoring and Jenna waiting anxiously for things to fall to one side or another. Anyone else and she might feel some sort of triumph at the shift in power, a vicious thrill at being able to turn things around and get back some semblance of control in the situation. Instead all Henry felt was nauseous. 

Something thick and grippy slithered in her gut, a tight coiling mass of overwarm sludge that sat at the bottom of her stomach like a weight pressing her down and down. Prickly needles, hot with the taste of anger and fear, climbed up through her chest, pinching her heart and catching on her throat until Henry could barely feel her tongue anymore. Words won't come out, trapped behind shame and fear and guilt.

Henry somehow always knew the wrong thing to say.

The wrong way to be.

Except this wasn't all her fault. Half of it was because of Jenna's bullshit; her habit of looking for convenient distractions to avoid dealing with her, like, grief or whatever. You can't fail multiple an entire class in a few months, Jenna was spiralling long before Henry was anything more than an uncomfortable annoyance staying in the room above hers. Henry wasn't the only one with issues, her were always just more flashy.

So, the anger and the guilt went to war with each other inside her and her stomach roiled. Though maybe part of that was down to the fact that she hadn't had anything besides twizzlers to eat since like eight.

And if it weren't for that Henry probably would blow right on past the town, Lowville, just like she let the second stop she'd planned but instead she starts looking for a restaurant. Whatever Jenna thinks is happening as she pulled up beside the first place that looked like it would have something better than overcooked burgers or soggy fried chicken, it couldn't be good, judging by the alarmed look she gives Henry.

"Henry, I-"

"Come on," Henry said, yanking the keys out as she stepped out.

_ Dragon House _ the sign had read as they drove by. 

She didn't bother waiting to watch Jenna scramble from her own seat, only paused long to hear the car door open and shut before finally locking them. Then around the corner, up the two step stoop and inside. It's about what Henry expected from the outside, small and cramped. Still at least it also wasn't trying to pretend it was also, like, a sub shop or something.

The little old lady at the counter barely acknowledged Henry as she came in, distracted grabbing two plastic laminated menus without even looking up from the newspaper in front of her. Didn't even open her mouth as she led them to a table, dropped the menus on the table and marched back towards the front. Henry liked her attitude a hell of a lot more than the cheesy prattle they had her spout to every last person that came in the doors when she worked at  _ Surf N' Pizza _ .

Jenna settled in uneasily across the table and just stared. Not that Henry was actually looking. She could tell from the way the other menu hadn't moved.

"Pick what you want," Henry prompted. "We'll, like, share or whatever."

That seemed to relax her, which relaxed Henry. What doesn't is what came next.

"Henry, I-" Jenna started. "I shouldn't have said that. You were just saying all this stuff about- obviously that doesn't make it okay, and-"

"Look," Henry said. "Can we not?" 

A beat, a sigh, then, "Okay."

The silence that followed lasted about three minutes, though that was only because the little old lady returned to take their order. Then it was back to the blessed quiet again. For about five minutes this time, because Jenna just can't let things lie. 

"My dad said you're going to be helping him out some more with the arcade during the year," she said.

"Yeah."

Not much to say to that. It wasn't a secret even if they exactly had a sit down to talk about it, they hadn't been talking about a lot of shit; Henry had been pretty happy with that arrangement and she thought Jenna had been too, a way of starting over with a clean slate. 

Until today. 

Not that Henry thought her working with Thomas was likely to be any sort of problem or anything. 

"Do you- I mean, is it okay, working there?" Jenna asked.

"I dunno. We've barely been open like a couple of weeks."

Most of the summer had been spent tearing out old carpeting from when the space had been, like, a strip club or something judging by the shit matted into it, and then installing the machines Thomas managed to get for cheap. There's still a lot of empty space, for newer shit. It was a lot of hard work, and Henry had never felt more disgusting than after spending ten or twelve hours hauling shit around in eighty degree weather.

"No, yeah. What I meant was, more, how do you… get along with my dad? 'Cause, uh, I think he was pretty angry at you for a while."

"Look," Henry said actually meeting Jenna's eyes. "Shit between me and your dad, is just that, between us. So all I'm going to say is that we have our shit figured out or whatever."

After the thaw between Henry and Jenna, and the subsequent reconnection of Thomas and Cleo, they'd had a conversation. Sort of. Mostly it had been acknowledgement of the limits of their own relationship; Thomas wasn't going to pretend to be her dad, though he'd never much tried before, but he expected a certain amount of respect. Something like it at least.

"Good. Yeah, good…" Jenna said.

That same conversation had been how Henry had ended up working with him. For him, whatever. Henry agreed to help out setting up the arcade and running it during the year for something pretty well below minimum wage and at the end of the year he'd give her a big chunk of cash. More than she would have earned.

She was fairly sure he was thinking she'd use it help pay for college or whatever, but that wasn't like a condition or anything. They'd talked a bit about her plans since and maybe he didn't like them, the fact they very much didn't include school, but he seemed to understand. A bit.

Henry didn't think it was exactly a coincidence that her mom had gotten pushier around the same time about college and shit, talking about not giving up on herself and wanting a better future. As long as he didn't renege or come right out and say to her face, Henry could deal. 

She couldn't even really be that pissed at her mom, it wasn't her fault that she just didn't understand why Henry refused to even consider community college or anything. Not without explaining everything; what she could do, what she knew about her father, everything that had happened. Normal was never in the cards for Henry anyways, all that stuff people planned for, the house, the family, the kids; it was all the stuff she'd decided against.

Which isn't something she's ever said out loud to anyone except for Josh. He got it. They have the same history, the same shit, just mirrored. So they know how bad it is to be dragged along in someone else's wake, having to live with all the shit decisions.

Silence stretched between them loudly, like some deep chasm yawning open at their feet, and as much as Henry welcomed the escape from conversations she'd rather not have she also itched to break the quiet somehow. Crossing that gulf was frightening. Their food arrived with the same enthusiasm as their order had been taken and after another uncomfortable moment of quiet they both started eating.

Henry took one bite, two.

"Slow. I mean, um, things are slow at the arcade," she said. "Hardly anyone comes in, your dad he, uh, says it would have been better to start before summer, but, I mean, you know."

"Right yeah, summer rush," Jenna nodded, as if that meant something. 

Henry guessed it did. A pregnant pause this time, heavy with a deep weight that crowded at her shoulders. Jenna's mouth opened, worked several times in silence before she managed anything.

"And what about after, I mean not that you need to rush, but... have you thought about where you want to go, next year?"

_ Shit _ , is the sum total of Henry's thoughts in that moment.

Henry shrugged, chewing slowly through the mouthful of oil drenched noodles before saying, "Dunno, once I settle with your dad… New York? Or someplace warm; Florida, California maybe... or, who knows, even like New Orleans."

Vague destinations for a vague plan. Which might suit Henry herself fine. Jenna is a different story, to her it sounds basically like nowhere at all. Sure, New York has NYU and California probably has like, dozens of art schools, but Henry didn't mention any schools themselves, just places. Even art schools have to take _some_ work to get into, it takes skills and dedication after all, what she saw at Colgate notwithstanding.

Is it something Henry is even looking at anymore? That thought knotted itself hot and sharp behind Jenna's ribs.

Getting to discuss anything more than a week into the future was a perpetual struggle. Whether it was prom plans, she'd given up on a repeat of the  _ End of the World _ dance, but she had managed to get Henry to at least show up, or if it was the Colgate visit. Which had taken hours and days of careful cajoling to get Henry to agree to. And which she hadn't ended up going on. Because she 'forgot' to ask her boss about time off, because Jenna didn't push her about it.

But she'd seen, or rather failed to see the pamphlet for SAIC end up in the trash, because she'd checked despite the fact that that made her feel creepy as hell, she thought Henry had been convinced. That they were on the same page. A year's delay wouldn't have put them that far off from each other, in terms of college experience.

If Henry's not even really looking? Jenna's entire life feels like it's shifting out from beneath her, the distant image she'd begun constructing of their relationship, friendship, spiralling away erratically.

"Henry, are you even looking?"

And the way Henry went silent at that was telling enough by itself. 

"God, Henry," she hissed. "The least you could do, if you're going to throw away your future, is tell me!"

"Sorry I forgot to consult you on my 'life plans,'" Henry rolled her eyes, swallowing the worst of what she wanted to say.

"This is serious, Henry, how exactly do you plan to support yourself? You of all people should know how difficult things are without a degree, you've seen how hard your mom-"

"Jenna. Stop trying to make your shit, my shit."

"I am trying to help you, you stubborn- " Jenna said. "You have to think about the future, Henry, your mom won't be around forever to drag your ass out these messes. Or me."

Henry slapped her hand down on the table, rattling the silverware and plastic glasses, and startling the other girl.

"Christ, Jenna, you just don't know when to shut the fuck up, do you?"

"Maybe if you would actually listen for once."

"I never asked you to stick your nose into my business. I'm a big fucking girl Jenna. And I have always,  _ always _ taken care of my own shit."

"Right," Jenna laughed. "I guess my dad sold your car for a little extra pocket change? And Townes and I, we just, what followed you around because of your sunny disposition? Nikolai too. Did Lucas Boone just randomly decide to confess to murder?"

"None of that was-" Henry started.

"Face it Henry, you've always needed someone to take care of you. And unless you get your shit together, you'll always be looking for someone to take care of you."

Then, after a moment's pause, she added, "Maybe you should have said yes to Josh."

Henry just stared at her. Jenna glared back, anger and frustration burbling up at her back of her throat still; she was tired, worn out from months of distance and nothing but easy shallow words that mean nothing. Exhausted by effort that she hasn't seen returned. 

Or only seen returned in the worst, most painful ways. And yet, somehow it felt like some sort of turning point, but in what direction Jenna isn't sure.

"This might be hard for you to understand," Henry grit out after a long moment. "But not everyone wants the shit you want."

"Oh, come on Henry- " 

"No, Jenna," Henry grabbed her hand, suddenly quiet and tender in a way Jenna wasn't used to Henry being. It frightens her, really honestly scares the shit out of Jenna.

"You're looking for, like, a  _ place _ . Somewhere you can carve out a little happy life; grow a garden, have kids, make friends, whatever. But for me? That's just-" Henry hesitated, blinked away moisture at the corner of her eyes. 

Henry's world is carved out of the time and spaces between moves. Layered over with a thin patina of casual acquaintances that she's never gotten to know past back of the school hangouts spent getting high. Josh was the exception, until they moved to Reston.

Until Jenna. And Townes.

"Besides my mom, you and Townes are the closest to that I've ever gotten. And honestly? Yeah, it scares me, because even just this much," she motioned between them, meaning what Jenna didn't know. "It's dangerous. Just knowing me- you know there are people out there who will kill because of what I can do. We've been lucky so far, but if anything ever happened- "

"I don't know," there was a raw sort of softness to Henry in that moment. Only for a second though, then the walls went back up behind her eyes and she smiled, wry and slanted and brittle all over.

Jenna opened her mouth to say something, anything, to make sense of the entire exchange. But any chance of more had gone up in smoke with that smile and so nothing came out and a second later Henry was standing up from the booth. She wrenched a twenty out of her pocket and dropped it on the table.

"I'll be in the car," Henry said without looking at her. "When you finish."


	4. Chapter 4

When Jenna came out a minute or so later, cheap white plastic bag full of leftovers in hand, neither of them said anything. Something had made Henry stay out of the car, a part of her that ached and hurt like an old cut, something that quieted a bit at the sight of the other girl. Climbing in behind the wheel, she breathed out and once Jenna had settled in beside her pulled back out onto the road. Towards Colgate.

Neither of them quite yet ready to break the silence.

Henry felt rubbed raw. She did her best to focus forward, on the road ahead, while her stomach twisted itself into cold knots. That little bit of relief had faded within moments, subsumed under the pall of lingering anger, old guilt, and buried fear that seemed to have shaped too much of the day so far. For her part Jenna wasn't doing much better, thinking in anxious circles. 

Sussing out the intricacies of Henry's thought process has always eluded Jenna, too much kept bottled up behind walls of prickly sarcasm and acerbic comments. Once, when talking to Patty she compared it to an interrogation scene from, like, old spy movies. Or what she imagines them to be like.. But what she told Patty was that it was a complicated back and forth, where Jenna would poke and prod at subjects, carefully testing what Henry would or wouldn't say until she found a way to get her to open up. 

Sometimes it also ended up in slammed doors and icy silences. Henry's default reaction to most issues being to ignore it in the hope that it went away, if that didn't work she would switch to biting words and threatening. Jenna knows this isn't something that's going away.

Because she won't let it.

"You never- I mean, I never knew you felt that way about," Henry tensed at her words. "About all this stuff."

A beat. Nothing.

"And I know I didn't- I'm sorry I said those things, but sometimes it's so _hard_ to understand you Henry. You never say anything to me, not anything real, and I just want to… "

"Understand you. For you to let me in. Can't you understand that?"

Silence, except for the hum of the car and the whisper of the wind.

Jenna sighed, turned away to look out the window at the world slowly rolling by. She knew it would be that simple, that Henry, simmering ball of anger and defensive posturing that she is wouldn't just crumble because of a few pretty words. 

"You know, there's only one other person I've ever talked about this shit with," Henry said. 

Her eyes stayed staring straight head and Jenna could see the tension settling in her arms and hands.

"Josh," she guessed. Henry nodded.

"I'm not good at this. At the whole, like, having people and shit. Besides my mom, obviously but she…"

Henry seemed lost for how to finish the sentence. Jenna got it, sort of, at least, "Dad, he, uh- after my mom died it was like he was only half _there_ most of the time. If Patty and her family hadn't- they were there for me in a way he couldn't be."

A large part of Jenna liked Cleo, though Henry was too harsh with her, loved her even and it was often hard to move beyond the ache that set off in her chest whenever she acted even the slightest bit like a mom. But, since Henry and Cleo had left the house, it was also easier to see the ways she hurt Henry. Had hurt herself really.

Henry made a meaningless noise at the back of her throat and kept her gaze focused ahead, but Jenna saw her shoulders relax just slight and her fingers come briefly off the wheel in a wave so that her knuckles no longer looked ready to split skin. There was so much more she wanted to say. She wanted to keep going, to drag all that pain and anger out of Henry, but something told her that if she did the other girl would only draw her walls tighter and higher around herself. 

And if Jenna had learned one thing about Henry, it was that sometimes she simply had to let her breath a moment in, so that it settled on her. In her. So rather than pushing she let the quiet stretch between them.

Turned her eyes back outside and watched the countryside continue to speed by, a blurring greens and blues and browns that occasionally took shape into something distinct. A string a buildings. Cows at pasture. Sunlight glinting off a placid pond. Jenna let her thoughts drift, away from Henry and the car and all the anxious thoughts bouncing between her ears. 

Colgate loomed closer with every second, both literally and metaphorically. Megan had found her people there, would Jenna? Kate was there, even if the prospect of something more between them had failed to crystallize over the past year; she'd been too hesitant, too scared, and the distance too much in the end. At least that was how it went in Jenna's own head. They still talked some times. And Kate had already promised to introduce her to 'everyone'.

Megan had made the same promise. The idea was as terrifying as it was thrilling. She was so lost in imagining what exactly the entire sea of new experiences she already had lined up for her would be like that Henry's next words startled her.

"I'm trying," she said. "I know that's- I know sometimes it might not seem like it, but I am."

And because she wasn't really sure how else to respond, Jenna simply said, "Okay."

It's a good thing they're only a few minutes from their motel by that point, because neither is sure how to break the awkward silence that follows. The motel they were staying the night at isn't actually _in_ Hamilton, but it's only twenty minutes outside of it which is close enough that they won't have to wake up too early for Jenna to make it for registration in the morning. Her stuff stays in the car.

Then a text to Megan to confirm their plans and then they're back on the road, briefly.

Closer than campus, Megan's apartment was just on the outskirts of the town and not technically part of the official housing for the college. She still had a year before she graduated, but she would have been staying around anyways as Darcy, her girl, was just starting her Masters in Teaching. Apparently if she really pushed herself she could complete it in a year.

It sounded like a lot of work to Jenna. But, it was also incredibly lucky because she would actually know people. They pulled up in front of Megan's place just before five as the slowly dipping sun began to lengthen the shadows of the trees, Henry followed Jenna up to the front door. When the door flew open at Jenna's knock and Megan stepped out to pull her into a tight embrace, Henry was startled by how much Megan actually looked like a real adult. Of course Henry has only met her like twice, so maybe it';s just seeing her in her own space.

Megan let go, flicked her gaze over Henry and gave her a smile.

"Hi Henry," she said before turning back to Jenna and asking, "Long drive?"

Henry, grateful to be ignored for the moment, shuffled a bit and looked into the apartment over her shoulder. It looked lived it. Clean. Warm. 

Dishes sat in a drying rack on the counter just off to the side of the entrance, the walls looked clean and unblemished, and a laptop sat half-closed a low table in the living room. It was the sort of place someone who knew what the fuck they were doing with their life lived in. Henry instantly felt itchy all over. 

"Oh," Jenna said, glancing back at Henry before answering. "Yeah. We got a bit of a late start. My fault, a little last minute packing freakout. But things were, uh, quiet on the way down, so."

"Right," Megan said as she shifted her gaze between them. "Well. We can walk from here, I'll show you the best spots around town and we can meet up with Townes and my parents for dinner. Sound good?"

They nodded.

She took them through a thin band of woods separating the apartment buildings from the bulk of the town, just enough to block off the sight and sound of traffic from the other side. Hamilton was a far cry from a city, but it still rated larger than Reston or Lowville, where they'd stopped for lunch, though much of that was Colgate itself. Sprawling to the south and west mostly the campus made up maybe a fourth of the town.

People were out as they walked, most of them incoming freshmen like Jenna, but a few called out to Megan in greeting. Henry can already see Jenna slotting right into the tableau of the town; more at ease here than she'd ever been back in Reston, she can practically feel a sense of the place settling around Jenna. 

The way she stares and smiles, taking in all the new sights. Cafes, restaurants, and shops. All so perfectly cute and quaint and sophisticated, here a good place to sit down and study for hours and there the best place to get a late night snack. Tips and tricks about where to get cheap food, what do order, who to get to know in town all spilled out of Megan.

And Jenna absorbed it all, wide-eyed and eager.

Henry let herself fall behind. Imagined the future overlaying the moment; Jenna and some other woman, a vague impression of someone, walking side by side down some placeless street. Holding hands, talking about their days; complaining about useless coworkers, asshole managers, food, friends, plans, the random tidbits of their days, all the things normal people do.

Where would Henry be?

Moving from town to town, running from a vague faceless threat she still couldn't define. A drifting shadow in their lives, just a hurried call in the middle of the day or the early hours of the morning, postcards at holidays sporadically. Just a sad story in Jenna's life, a friend who drifted away. Maybe this woman would look at Cleo and call her mom one day and there would be one more way she filled in all the wounds Henry had left behind. 

_She_ wouldn't let a fight turn into a months long gulf of silence. And they'd talk about their issues, rather than push and push Jenna away until they were strangers sharing space. Instead she'd listen to everything Jenna said, to how she said it, and she'd know what to do, how to be. And even when Jenna didn't complain with her words she would know when something was wrong; by the way Jenna held herself, how her back straightened, her lips pursed, the nervous rambling that spilled from her lips. 

And she would know how to soothe those fears and anxiety. 

First she would listen, from across a table or with Jenna's head pressed into her shoulder as they fit themselves into a single seat. When it was all out, she'd say the right things. Kind words, loving ones. Papering over the cracks with a gentle brush of lips and the soft strokes of fingers. 

Henry wondered what this woman might look like. Did Jenna have a type? Dark hair, tall, short, red hair, curly? Funny maybe, with a loud laugh. A social butterfly, to fill up all the spaces Jenna avoids. Or maybe, shy with quiet eyes and a brain that works just as hard as hers. Someone who gives more than she takes, offers something beyond broken promises and who can actually say how she feels; whose tongue doesn't trip over the word 'love' like it was something alien that appeared in her mouth.

Henry shook herself free of her thoughts, pushed at the dull ache in her chest until she could ignore it, and found Megan and Jenna now several more feet ahead of her. 

Megan, in the middle of excitedly telling Jenna, "... finally getting recognized for her talent."

"I, um, remember her sound. Very," Jenna hesitated. "Uh, powerful."

She doesn't know what they're talking about, but it's clearly going nowhere. 

"So, like, where do the lady lovin' ladies hangout in this town?"

Jenna hissed, "Henry..."

"What," she shrugged. "College is, like, for that shit. And you might as well get all the low down from your', like seniors in lesbianism or whatever."

Megan laughed, "Well, Hamilton doesn't really have anything official. Honestly, you're better off sticking to campus and house parties for meeting girls." Then, she smiled and gestured grandly to herself. "Luckily, you have an in."

That seemed to defuse Jenna's furious embarrassment. Rounding back on Megan she started pressing her on what Henry imagined were the ins and outs of lesbian dating. She was only half listening. As the two of them go over, like, all the secret signs and signals they continue exploring the town. At least for a few minutes more, until Megan eventually leads them back towards her apartment, or more accurately the Inn nearby where her parents and Townes are staying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is one of the bits I am most satisfied wit


	5. Chapter 5

Townes met them at the corner, waving them over and smiling widely. He looked eager, his body almost humming with the energy he was clearly holding back as he bounced on the balls of his feet.

"Hello Megan, Henry, Jenna," he said.

His sister hugged him after a moment of silent communication.

"Townes," Henry said with a wave.

"Hi," Jenna said.

"Did you know that the Colgate Inn replaced another hotel, originally built by Elisha Payne, who actually-"

"Easy Townes," Megan laughed. "Excited, huh?"

"Yes! Usually history isn't my- Oh, but mom and dad are waiting for us to start dinner, come on."

All three of them shared a look as he turned tail and started marching inside, only briefly pausing long enough to make sure they were following him. Henry kept to the rear. She'd met the Lindermans plenty of times, between hanging out at their house with Townes and just seeing them around Reston, but they'd hardly interacted for more than a few minutes at a time.

Just enough to say hello and answer 'fine' to the inevitable 'how are you'. A whole dinner spent with them was strangely terrifying.

Of course with Townes and Jenna starting school, conversation probably likely revolve around that enough to leave Henry safely out of it. She might even be able to sneak out and go smoke up. 

Once they all settled in around the table things are surprisingly relaxed, or maybe not so surprising since most of the people at the table have known each other their entire lives. And most of the talk does center on Townes and Jenna, their hopes and plans for the coming school year, or turns to Megan and how the new apartment is doing and how Darcy is. The sort of catch up people always do in movies and tv shows and shit when they haven't seen each other.

It isn't until the food has arrived and they've exhausted another fifteen minutes of other conversation topics that anyone actually bothers to wonder about Henry's plans.

"So, Henry, what about you?" Mr. Linderman asked.

"I-" she opened her mouth, but before she could say more Jenna jumped in.

"Henry is taking a year off. Helping my dad at the arcade, to save up some extra money before she goes off next year."

The thing is, it's not even really a lie. And once Henry leaves she probably won't come back to Reston for more than the occasional visit so what does it matter if the Lindermans think she's heading off to college next year. But that's just it, what does it matter? She probably won't ever see them again in her entire life, what they think of her for not going to college should hardly matter.

Doesn't matter, actually. Except that it does because Jenna decided for Henry what to say.

She wants to scowl, to glare and ask Jenna what the fuck is up. That would only lead to questions. From the way Jenna is avoiding looking at her she knows it too. No matter what else Henry really doesn't want this to turn into, like, another thing between them so she keeps her face as neutral as she can.

"Yeah. I didn't want to rush into anything."

"That's smart," Mr. Linderman said. "College is so expensive these days, just the tuition alone! And then the price of books, I tell you it's practically criminal what they charge you kids."

"Oh enough about that," Mrs. Linderman interrupted. "Let's talk about something more pleasant. Megan, whatever happened to your friend. The one who…"

And for a moment Henry only felt relief, until she caught Townes shooting her a radiant grin. Her stomach twists. They hadn't really talked about any of this stuff, at first because he sort of took Jenna's side in things, not to the point of freezing her out or anything, but, well, Townes had a very strongly developed sense of right and wrong. 

But once things sorted themselves out, well, he was just as busy as Jenna in his own way. Especially with Zoe a more constant and physical fixture in his life. 

And as her friend rather than sidekick, it wasn't fair to put her shit on him and seeing as all the really heavy shit had basically disappeared into a puff of smoke anyways it had been easier to talk about the easy stuff. He talked, Henry mostly listened. About classes, about Zoe, about his future.

So he smiled, not knowing how to spot the lie. 

Lying to Townes deserved it's own special kind of punishment in hell, just from the extra layer of shitty involved in doing it. She'd tell him, soon, Henry promised herself, before anything happened.

She's quiet for the rest of dinner, and thankfully no one really tries to engage her, everyone too caught up in the swirling excitement pouring off both Jenna and Townes to bother with Henry. Eventually dinners winds down as Townes self imposed nightly schedule looms. In the end, Henry never got the chance to make any sort of escape, mostly because Jenna insisted on heading back to the motel straightaway. 

Megan invited her over, her parents were heading there to let Townes settle in for the night and so they could keep catching up and Henry tried to encourage her. But Jenna insisted. Despite Megan's offer to drive her over later.

As the four of them picked their way through the little wooded buffer between the apartment and the rest of the town Henry felt an anxious weight settle in her chest. Her skin itched and something tickled the back of her throat. The sensation only worsened as they both sat, silently, in the car.

When they made it back to the motel, it was all of eight.

But. 

There was nothing to do except watch shitty tv, look at their phones, or sleep. Or sit in uncomfortable silence as the irritation and anxiety swirled in her head. So Henry turned on the old shitty tv and they watched meaningless, fuzzy channels for an hour, doing nothing but existing together in the same bed without saying anything as the pinching ache in Henry's chest built into a slow rolling avalanche. 

Her whole body was given over to it, to the tense anticipatory bubbling of feelings that sat in Henry's gut. At nine Jenna shut off the tv, turned out the lights and said she was going to bed. Earlier than either of them usually slept.

For a long moment Henry wanted to scream, to lash out. Why had Jenna butted in? Did she still care that much about what other people thought of her, that even Henry's choices were being molded and filtered through the bullshit expectations Jenna put on everything? But then she realized that that night would be the last night they spent together for months, that the next day would be the last day they were together for months. That besides texts and calls and visits, she and Jenna would be in each others lives anymore.

Darkness and silence took them, a long echoing sort of silence into which Henry poured, in quiet whispered words, something like an apology. Or a confession. 

"I- I'm sorry. That I yelled, and that I never listen, and that, whatever, that I'm a coward. We're just so different, the places we're heading… the paths our futures are heading it, I don't think they meet up. And I know that's my fault, but- "

The words stuck in her throat, half formed and unbidden.

"You need to know. I- You're in here, Jenna."

Where 'here' was she didn't say, didn't indicate. Head. Heart. Hands. The truth was Henry could feel Jenna in every bit of her, like a new undercoating of paint.

"Whatever happens, wherever I go. I won't forget you." 

Jenna didn't say anything. There was nothing for her to say to that, it was too final, too ultimate. And she was too tired to try and convince Henry that she could have something beyond a life half lived bouncing from place to place, never having anything or anyone permanent. She let silence be her answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the end of the first part. It's a pretty down note to end on and honestly the next part doesn't get much better.
> 
> Emotionally speaking. Hopefully the writing isn't too awful. Next story should be out Friday.


End file.
